‘Yes, I did describe the paedophile financier as “my best pal” but there is context…’ The public don’t care about context any more, Peter, so just state your intention to resign in due course.

It’s weird to me that if you have a cat in the kitchen on social media people like it but if you have a cat in your kitchen at a restaurant they call a health inspector

I never thought that the UK’s slide into authoritarianism would be centred on protests against the killing of women and children

Just had to write to my MP (Alex Mayer) to clarify that I don’t support the murder of women and children. You know, by anyone? Just for the avoidance of doubt.

Today, in the UK, we’ll find out if it’s OK for humans to continue to die in intolerable pain, the likes of which it would be illegal to inflict on an animal.

Hang on, so Russia’s “special military operation” in Ukraine is definitely an invasion but Israel’s “limited, localised and targeted ground raids” in Lebanon are… not?

It’s polling day in the UK, which means we’ll have seamless, live coverage of absolutely nothing until 10pm when the polls close. Then we’ll have an exit poll and live coverage of nothing happening for several more hours, until the first counts come in. In fact, the next 18 hours of news in the UK will contain very little actual news.